It is big. You can't see it. But it has long arms to reach waaaaaay under kids' beds and closets. It has teeth. Already, it has taken a big bite out of something that scares the grown-ups: the economy. I think I see the economy shivering under the bed with me. It looks even more scared than I am. It's a moody thing, too. Sometimes it's really happy, then other times it throws a tantrum like a two-year old. Anyway, I feel really sorry for it right now. It's sniveling and whimpering something about this CPSIA monster. Mom says that the CPSIA will make children's books and toys and even Stephen's smelly old gym sock illegal – that it will turn them into something called "hazardous substances" whether they are or not. Okay, maybe Stephen's smelly gym sock is a "hazardous material," but I LIKE it. I sleep in it every night and it hasn't made me sick. I'm always orange and bumpy, in case you were wondering. And I was born with just one eye. It's not from anything in Stephen's stinky sock.
This CPSIA makes me want to crawl into the sock and suck my thumb. Mom says it's supposed to protect kids like Stephen and my author's son, William, from icky, poisonous things like lead and something called phthalates. It took me two hours of writing that over and over and over and over before I could spell it right! Phthalates are something found in some kinds of plastic. The bendy kind, I think. I don't know. It's a big word, and a funny word like pneumonia. I can say pneumonia. I can say nuclear, too. Stephen says I'm undressing. Oh, wait – digressing.
Okay, so this big scary CPSIA monster is going to mean that maybe kids under thirteen can't have cool, handmade toys. Or one-of-a-kind kids' clothes. Because only really big, faceless corporations can afford the testing and certification that the CPSIA monster demands. I thought that all the scary lead stuff came from those giant companies in the first place? The CPSIA even applies to books! Can you believe that? Books are made of paper and cardboard, glue, ink, and other stuff that doesn't have poisonous stuff in it. I know, 'cause I ate some of Stephen's books before Mom said, "How would you like it if someone ate Trockle?" and I stopped. The CPSIA means that maybe kids can't go to libraries anymore. Or that they can go to libraries, but that the libraries would have to get rid of all their kids' books. I don't get it. Why would kids want to go to libraries that didn't have kids' books? To read grown-up books? Can I be in a grown-up book? Because I want kids to read about me. I like to look out from the pages and see kids smile when they read about Stephen. He's a lot like them. He was afraid of me at first, and I was sixty gazillion times scareder of him. But our moms tucked us in and told us all the things we have in common. Anyway, we're not scared of each other anymore, but we're both scared of this CPSIA thing and so is the thing cowering under the bed here with me. Mom says it'll be okay, this economy thing, and she's tucked it into Stephen's other sweaty gym sock for a good night's sleep, but it looks really bad right now.
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